Sometimes I just wanna yell SHUT UP ALEADY !!

I have a friend who just doesn't know how much she hurts me sometimes. Here lately she keeps teasing me about being pregnant. No I haven't told her yet. I haven't told anyone but , my friend S. I tell her everything b/c she knows how to not upset me over Addyson. First off i'll talk about it once the initial what if this baby dies to passes . That may take months i'm sorry . Then , it may rear it's ugly head unexpectedly at any moment. So, last night this friend we'll call H for privacy tells me I should have twins so she can have one joking of course. I know she doesn't mean to hurt my feelings . She's not like that but, it does hurt. I done gave up a child unwillingly to death in a very cruel way. People think as time goes on that you hurt less or somehow forget. Truth is you don't. You continue to live but, part of you has died . There are little things that sneak up & remind you of something you thought you forgotten . Those things are not always things you care to remember . Like how my daughter died in a room full of strangers who could have cared less. Those details etch in your mind like a crue joke to never be forgotten totally. Why do I no longer shout in joy at being pregnant ? B/c I know that nothing is permenant . That in an instant my life can crash before me again . tearing my soul to shreds again & quite frankly i'm afraid I couldn't do it again .Other peoples kids get colds & they buy cough syrup . My kids get a cold I spend all night up in a panic that one of them will too quit breathing . Is it likely to happen again probably not. Tell that to my heart that is still laying into smashed pieces . Tell that to my soul who still remembers how her tiny little hand fit perfectly around my finger. I am still angry . The angry goes away for a time but, it always returns . Why ? B/c you are suppose to outlive your child . It's not right nor is it fair. People assume therapy or a support group can fix it. I love my support group but, accepting the death of your child does anyone really do it ? I mean you accept your child is gone & you can't bring them back . But, accepting the memories that plague is a WHOLE different thing . Somedays you just want to say hey i'm dressed & that's as good as it's getting . Today is one of those days ! Below is a poem another angel mommy sent me. Not sure where it came from but, it is true.

A Mother's GriefbyKelly Cummings
You ask me how I'm feeling,but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling youYou say you have to go
How can I tell you,what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am brokenBy things that you don't see
You ask me how I'm holding up,but do you really care?
The moment I start to speak my heart,You start squirming in your chair.
Because I am so lonely,you see, friends no longer come around,I'll take the words I want to sayAnd quietly choke them down.
Everyone avoids me now,I guess they don't know what to say
They told me I'll be there for you,then turned and walked away.
Call me if you need me,that's what everybody said,But how can I call and screaminto the phone,My God, my child is dead?
No one will let me say the words I need to say
Why does a mothers griefscare everyone away?
I am tired of pretending my heart hammers in my chest,I say things to make you comfortable,but my soul finds no rest.
How can I tell you things that are too sad to be told,of the helplessness of holding a child who in your arms grows cold?
Maybe you can tell me,How should one behave,who's had to follow their childs casket,watched it perched above a grave?
You cannot imagine what it was like for me that day to place a final kiss upon that box, and have to turn and walk away.
If you really love me,and I believe you do,if you really want to help me,here is what I need from you.
Sit down beside me,reach out and take my hand, Say "My friend, I've come to listen,I want to understand."
Just hold my hand and listen that's all you need to do, And if by chance I shed a tear, it's alright if you do too .
I swear that I'll remember till the day I'm very old,the friend who sat and held my hand and let me bare my soul.