Boy ? Girl ? Who knows ! LOL

At my last appointment my ob seemed to think it was a girl . LOL So, we basicly don't know .What we do know at this point is I have a bilobed placenta & complete placenta previa . He is checking the placenta on May 7th & hopefully we will know the gender then. We have been thinking of names. We are thinking of Noah Kai for a boy & Skylin Jade for a girl . Noah is biblical and reminds me of Addyson's rainbow. Kai means rejoice. Skylin once again is connected to the rainbow sky thing . Jade I just have always liked. They are not set in stone but, it's a start . I have been reading alot of blogs of other mother's who have lost their kids . It's heart breaking there are so many of us. I have been reflecting on my faith & how my loss effects it . Something about pregnancy brings back so many memories of my angel. Even things I thought I had forgotten. I use to be afraid i'd forget somethings with time. It's the opposite the feeling of her arms, her smell and her memories are crystal clear. I don't believe this life is all there is. I believe my daughter lives on & one day we will be together again . The waiting is hard . My faith that one day she'll be with me again gets me through. Mommy loves you buggy !!

My current life updates !

It's a boy ! They say & looks like one to me too ! I don't have a boy name at all go figure. I keep joking we are going to name him Bob. I'm open to any name suggestions hint hint. ;) Other news of the week is pregnant people's balance sucks ! I fell & broke my elbow. I'm pretty sure i've hurt my hand & wrist to boot. They didn't xray anything but, my elbow though. So, 3 weeks in a sling for me. My current good news is we are now getting my baby sis aka Tater some weekends. Yesterday, we roasted hot dogs & made smores at my dad's. We have been doing big family things at my dad's & having alot of fun. We even did a egg hunt ! Of course no day at pawpaw's farm is complete without feeding the deer!

Forgiveness is complicated

I have been working on forgiving someone. It's not going so well. How do you forgive somebody who crushed your world in a way that it can not be fixed who is also NOT SORRY ! That's the part that is driving me crazy . I KNOW I should be a good person & forgive her for my own sanity . I believe people should get second chances. This time though i'm just struggling with it . How do you forgive a person who is still hurting others on a daily basis ? I'm so hurt & angry. Im livid . My heart is breaking for the people this woman is hurting. They cry . I cry . It seems to be a never ending cycle somedays .I want to forgive her so that my anger doesn't just build. She isn't worth the energy i'm wasting . I just don't know how . I have struggled with this for over a year and even more so recently. I believe karma will eventually get you. That you pay for intentionally hurting others.Yet, I don't want her to pay. Just to stop hurting people. My faith feels so tested right now . I wonder why it is being tested ? What am I suppose to be learning here. My mom says patience is a virtue . That there is always a bigger picture with God . So, I pray that God gives my family the strength to get through this and that he will get this person the help she needs. That he will help me forgive her . Miracles happen everyday so I can't give up that God has one in store for us. Real faith is still believing even when it seems there is no way !

A snow angel for my angel

This is the snow angel we made for our sweet Addyson in heaven . The kids thought the hot pink wings were just the right touch !

My days ponderings ....

I am thinking today of those I miss most. Tomorrow my little angel would have been a year & a half. Mommy misses you sweetheart. Not a day passes I don't wonder who you would be right now. I am also missing my little sis Tater. She is the most amazing 5 year old. I haven't seen her in weeks. Her mom thought it was a wise choice to just take her & take off with no warning to the rest of us. We are jumping through hoops with the courts to see her . It is looking hopeful we will get her back with time. Time is hard when you've already lost one child. You know all too well that everyday is special. I think of her daily & pray she comes home quickly. Tater we miss you !!

I shall call it Squishy & it shall be mine !! LOL

Today was a pretty good day. I had an a appointment and saw our new little baby . We have nicknamed it Squishy. As in Dori from Nemo's great Squishy. LOL I love Nemo. My EDD is my birthday !! Happy Birthday to me !! All of my other kids were born at 37 weeks except one. So, this baby maybe here for my DH & angel Addyson's birthdays. I guess we'll see. As of right now I have placenta previa and a ton of blood nobody knows where it is coming from. The baby looks fine and is measuring right on. A beautiful heartbeat flickering away. I am on strick orders to take it easy until my next ultrasound. What can I say no dishes for me ...... Woohoo !!!

I am dreading Wednesday !

I have been putting off my ultrasound. I always get a early ultrasound b/c I had a complete molar pregnancy a few years back . The reason I have been worried is my HCG is high which maybe a sign of twins. My last pregnancy started as twins but, ended as one . So, this ultrasound is to rule out a repeat molar and do a head count. Can you say scary ? I have a appointment on Thursday with a awesome homebirth Dr. He is very nice & says Ina May Gaskin is his hero. Yea !!! He seems cool with my no intervention natural view of birth. The feeling of catching your own baby just can't be put into words. :)

Support NC 's Midwives

Legalizing CPM in NC is important to those of us who believe in homebirth . We have some excellent homebirth midwives who deserve the right to be licensed !!

The following came from www.ncfom.org

CONTACT: Russ Fawcett, (910) 471-5187, spigget@aol.com IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Monday, January 12, 2009
NC HOUSE COMMITTEE RECOMMENDS LICENSING MIDWIVESLegislation Would Let NC Join 24 Other States in Advancing Healthcare Options
RALEIGH, NC — The NC House Select Committee on Licensing Midwives released a report last week calling on the state to license and regulate Certified Professional Midwives (CPMs), who are trained as specialists in out-of-hospital maternity care. The Committee recommended that North Carolina join the growing number of states that have enacted laws to provide families who choose out-of-hospital delivery with access to highly-trained and legally-recognized maternity care providers.
“Each year, more North Carolina families choose out-of-hospital birth for religious, cultural, philosophical or financial reasons,” said Russ Fawcett, Legislative Chair for North Carolina Friends of Midwives. “CPMs also care for a disproportionate number of rural, low-income and uninsured families. All families deserve safe and affordable maternity care, and the midwives who provide it deserve legal recognition. We applaud the Committee for recommending a much-needed and long-overdue reform in current law and policy.”
Certified Nurse Midwives (CNMs), who practice primarily in hospital settings, are licensed in all 50 states. Currently, there are no laws in North Carolina to regulate CPMs, who deliver babies in private homes and freestanding birth centers. Studies show that low-risk women who plan home births under the care of CPMs have outcomes equal to low-risk women who deliver in the hospital, but with far fewer costly and preventable interventions. A study commissioned by the Washington legislature found that during the last five years alone, the state’s licensed midwives saved taxpayers and private insurers more than $10 million.
Rep. Ty Harrell serves on the Committee that is chaired by Rep. Bob England. “We’ve heard testimony from dozens of public health and policy experts. The facts are clear – it is time to license North Carolina’s midwives.”
“From both a cost and a safety standpoint, licensing midwives is an important public health issue,” said Henry Dorn, MD, a board certified OBGYN who practices in High Point. “The Certified Professional Midwife credential is the gold standard for midwives who specialize in out-of-hospital birth, and it is critical that we do all we can to ensure that women in our state have access to the safest care possible, including collaborative care with other providers when it becomes necessary.”
A positive recommendation from the House study committee paves the way for the full General Assembly to develop and enact legislation in the 2009 session that provides for the licensure and regulation CPMs.
North Carolina Friends of Midwives is a grassroots organization of midwifery advocates dedicated to promoting, supporting, and protecting midwifery in North Carolina. We advocate for the preservation of midwife-attended births, in accordance with the Midwives Model of Care™ including those at home and in freestanding birth centers.
North Carolina is a priority of The Big Push for Midwives Campaign a nationally coordinated campaign to advocate for regulation and licensure of Certified Professional Midwives (CPMs) in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico, and to push back against the attempts of the American Medical Association Scope of Practice Partnership to deny American families access to legal midwifery care. Through its work with state-level advocates, the Big Push is helping to build a new model of U.S. maternity care built on expanding access to out-of-hospital maternity care and CPMs, who provide affordable, quality, community-based care that is proven to reduce costly and preventable interventions as well as the rate of low-birth weight and premature births.
The Big Push Campaign Manager Katie Prown says, “The demand for safe and less-costly maternity care has been steadily increasing in recent years, as more people realize that we can no longer afford a system that produces inferior results at premium costs.”
Media inquiries about North Carolina Friends of Midwives should be directed to Russ Fawcett at (910) 471-5187, spigget@aol.com . Media inquiries about The Big Push for Midwives Campaign should be directed to Steff Hedenkamp at (816) 506-4630, Steff@TheBigPushForMidwives.org.

Sometimes I just wanna yell SHUT UP ALEADY !!

I have a friend who just doesn't know how much she hurts me sometimes. Here lately she keeps teasing me about being pregnant. No I haven't told her yet. I haven't told anyone but , my friend S. I tell her everything b/c she knows how to not upset me over Addyson. First off i'll talk about it once the initial what if this baby dies to passes . That may take months i'm sorry . Then , it may rear it's ugly head unexpectedly at any moment. So, last night this friend we'll call H for privacy tells me I should have twins so she can have one joking of course. I know she doesn't mean to hurt my feelings . She's not like that but, it does hurt. I done gave up a child unwillingly to death in a very cruel way. People think as time goes on that you hurt less or somehow forget. Truth is you don't. You continue to live but, part of you has died . There are little things that sneak up & remind you of something you thought you forgotten . Those things are not always things you care to remember . Like how my daughter died in a room full of strangers who could have cared less. Those details etch in your mind like a crue joke to never be forgotten totally. Why do I no longer shout in joy at being pregnant ? B/c I know that nothing is permenant . That in an instant my life can crash before me again . tearing my soul to shreds again & quite frankly i'm afraid I couldn't do it again .Other peoples kids get colds & they buy cough syrup . My kids get a cold I spend all night up in a panic that one of them will too quit breathing . Is it likely to happen again probably not. Tell that to my heart that is still laying into smashed pieces . Tell that to my soul who still remembers how her tiny little hand fit perfectly around my finger. I am still angry . The angry goes away for a time but, it always returns . Why ? B/c you are suppose to outlive your child . It's not right nor is it fair. People assume therapy or a support group can fix it. I love my support group but, accepting the death of your child does anyone really do it ? I mean you accept your child is gone & you can't bring them back . But, accepting the memories that plague is a WHOLE different thing . Somedays you just want to say hey i'm dressed & that's as good as it's getting . Today is one of those days ! Below is a poem another angel mommy sent me. Not sure where it came from but, it is true.

A Mother's GriefbyKelly Cummings
You ask me how I'm feeling,but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling youYou say you have to go
How can I tell you,what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am brokenBy things that you don't see
You ask me how I'm holding up,but do you really care?
The moment I start to speak my heart,You start squirming in your chair.
Because I am so lonely,you see, friends no longer come around,I'll take the words I want to sayAnd quietly choke them down.
Everyone avoids me now,I guess they don't know what to say
They told me I'll be there for you,then turned and walked away.
Call me if you need me,that's what everybody said,But how can I call and screaminto the phone,My God, my child is dead?
No one will let me say the words I need to say
Why does a mothers griefscare everyone away?
I am tired of pretending my heart hammers in my chest,I say things to make you comfortable,but my soul finds no rest.
How can I tell you things that are too sad to be told,of the helplessness of holding a child who in your arms grows cold?
Maybe you can tell me,How should one behave,who's had to follow their childs casket,watched it perched above a grave?
You cannot imagine what it was like for me that day to place a final kiss upon that box, and have to turn and walk away.
If you really love me,and I believe you do,if you really want to help me,here is what I need from you.
Sit down beside me,reach out and take my hand, Say "My friend, I've come to listen,I want to understand."
Just hold my hand and listen that's all you need to do, And if by chance I shed a tear, it's alright if you do too .
I swear that I'll remember till the day I'm very old,the friend who sat and held my hand and let me bare my soul.

Well , I didn't get done with the counter but....

I REALLY have a valid excuse . See .........





The pregnancy exhaustion fairy is currently kicking my rear HARD !!

So, i'm bored & the counter is my victim

So, i'm bored and today the ugly counter top is getting on my nerves. No it's not really dirty it's just the camera reflecting off of stuff. So, my older kids are going to their dads and i'm redoing it tonight !! That's my ugly before pic !! Oh, the joy of home improvement !! LOL Here's hoping the after shot looks better !

This song reminds me of our angel so much

The song at the top of my playlist & just makes me cry in a good way. It is by Mercy Me and it makes me feel as her death isn't forever.

My Heart Will Fly Lyrics
Why this happened I cannot explain
Why write the script with such heartache and pain
Could there not have been an easier way

Watching life through this glass so faded
I cannot see the bigger picture taking place
Oh to understand one day

Chorus
My heart will fly
When I finally see you face to face
And my tears will fly
Away, away

It won’t be long until we all go home
With all things revealed and on that day we’ll finally know
Oh, as we are fully known

Chorus

Bridge
And what appears as incomplete
Is still completely Yours
And one day we’ll see as we’ve been seen
And we’ll soar

Chorus


In memory of my angel till we are together again. Mommy loves you ! XOXO

My funny for today - Redneckory

Today I am bored . So, I was looking on youtube and found this. This guy grew up near where I did & he's so funny. So, for a good laugh ......

Missing my Angel

As time goes by it seems as a strange cruel joke that she's not here. There are moments I can still feel and smell her. She was such an amazing person . I truely believe one day we will all go home & be together . Until that day I do my best to trust that God took her for a reason. There are times when this is hard. My belief that life does not end here gets me through . I know her life served a purpose. Though it was short in that time miracles happened. Some great friends made a beautiful quilt out of her blanket . Who knows maybe one day i'll have another little girl I can wrap in it if not it will be a cherished heirloom for generations to come.

Welcome to my world !

( a view of the sky at our fav. place to hike )

Hi and welcome to my world. I am the mommy to Holden (10) , Elizabeth (9) , Nicole (6) , Danielle (4) and Alexander (almost 7 months) ! I have a angel daughter Addyson .I her lost in 2007 at a month old . I miss her dearly. I am deepy in love with my husband Carl. We just got married in December. I knew he was the one when he loved the outdoors as much as me. We love to take the kids to do anything involving nature. My life is best described as wonderfully chaotic ! I was once told I should be more traditional (since my views are more liberal) and people would like me more . I believe in home birth , attachment parenting and I love my large family. I am hoping to add one more to it one day hopefully. This is my life and I love it . I honestly don't care when others don't like it. So, if you don't like stuff like that then this isn't the blog for you. My last two children were born unassisted *gasp* LOL . Those were some of the greatest memories of my life. I spend my days chasing kids, helping with homework , and surrounded by the loves of my life. My life is great !!