Boy ? Girl ? Who knows ! LOL

At my last appointment my ob seemed to think it was a girl . LOL So, we basicly don't know .What we do know at this point is I have a bilobed placenta & complete placenta previa . He is checking the placenta on May 7th & hopefully we will know the gender then. We have been thinking of names. We are thinking of Noah Kai for a boy & Skylin Jade for a girl . Noah is biblical and reminds me of Addyson's rainbow. Kai means rejoice. Skylin once again is connected to the rainbow sky thing . Jade I just have always liked. They are not set in stone but, it's a start . I have been reading alot of blogs of other mother's who have lost their kids . It's heart breaking there are so many of us. I have been reflecting on my faith & how my loss effects it . Something about pregnancy brings back so many memories of my angel. Even things I thought I had forgotten. I use to be afraid i'd forget somethings with time. It's the opposite the feeling of her arms, her smell and her memories are crystal clear. I don't believe this life is all there is. I believe my daughter lives on & one day we will be together again . The waiting is hard . My faith that one day she'll be with me again gets me through. Mommy loves you buggy !!

My current life updates !

It's a boy ! They say & looks like one to me too ! I don't have a boy name at all go figure. I keep joking we are going to name him Bob. I'm open to any name suggestions hint hint. ;) Other news of the week is pregnant people's balance sucks ! I fell & broke my elbow. I'm pretty sure i've hurt my hand & wrist to boot. They didn't xray anything but, my elbow though. So, 3 weeks in a sling for me. My current good news is we are now getting my baby sis aka Tater some weekends. Yesterday, we roasted hot dogs & made smores at my dad's. We have been doing big family things at my dad's & having alot of fun. We even did a egg hunt ! Of course no day at pawpaw's farm is complete without feeding the deer!

Forgiveness is complicated

I have been working on forgiving someone. It's not going so well. How do you forgive somebody who crushed your world in a way that it can not be fixed who is also NOT SORRY ! That's the part that is driving me crazy . I KNOW I should be a good person & forgive her for my own sanity . I believe people should get second chances. This time though i'm just struggling with it . How do you forgive a person who is still hurting others on a daily basis ? I'm so hurt & angry. Im livid . My heart is breaking for the people this woman is hurting. They cry . I cry . It seems to be a never ending cycle somedays .I want to forgive her so that my anger doesn't just build. She isn't worth the energy i'm wasting . I just don't know how . I have struggled with this for over a year and even more so recently. I believe karma will eventually get you. That you pay for intentionally hurting others.Yet, I don't want her to pay. Just to stop hurting people. My faith feels so tested right now . I wonder why it is being tested ? What am I suppose to be learning here. My mom says patience is a virtue . That there is always a bigger picture with God . So, I pray that God gives my family the strength to get through this and that he will get this person the help she needs. That he will help me forgive her . Miracles happen everyday so I can't give up that God has one in store for us. Real faith is still believing even when it seems there is no way !

A snow angel for my angel

This is the snow angel we made for our sweet Addyson in heaven . The kids thought the hot pink wings were just the right touch !

My days ponderings ....

I am thinking today of those I miss most. Tomorrow my little angel would have been a year & a half. Mommy misses you sweetheart. Not a day passes I don't wonder who you would be right now. I am also missing my little sis Tater. She is the most amazing 5 year old. I haven't seen her in weeks. Her mom thought it was a wise choice to just take her & take off with no warning to the rest of us. We are jumping through hoops with the courts to see her . It is looking hopeful we will get her back with time. Time is hard when you've already lost one child. You know all too well that everyday is special. I think of her daily & pray she comes home quickly. Tater we miss you !!

I shall call it Squishy & it shall be mine !! LOL

Today was a pretty good day. I had an a appointment and saw our new little baby . We have nicknamed it Squishy. As in Dori from Nemo's great Squishy. LOL I love Nemo. My EDD is my birthday !! Happy Birthday to me !! All of my other kids were born at 37 weeks except one. So, this baby maybe here for my DH & angel Addyson's birthdays. I guess we'll see. As of right now I have placenta previa and a ton of blood nobody knows where it is coming from. The baby looks fine and is measuring right on. A beautiful heartbeat flickering away. I am on strick orders to take it easy until my next ultrasound. What can I say no dishes for me ...... Woohoo !!!

I am dreading Wednesday !

I have been putting off my ultrasound. I always get a early ultrasound b/c I had a complete molar pregnancy a few years back . The reason I have been worried is my HCG is high which maybe a sign of twins. My last pregnancy started as twins but, ended as one . So, this ultrasound is to rule out a repeat molar and do a head count. Can you say scary ? I have a appointment on Thursday with a awesome homebirth Dr. He is very nice & says Ina May Gaskin is his hero. Yea !!! He seems cool with my no intervention natural view of birth. The feeling of catching your own baby just can't be put into words. :)